Published On: Tue, Dec 17th, 2013

Started Texting? Follow us through this 8 point guide on how to do it right

A Ugandan Boda Boda Rider Texting On the Road:  Dangerous!

A Ugandan Boda Boda Rider Texting On the Road: Dangerous!

Are you new to texting? Are you excited about your Katorch, Kabiriti, your Samsung Galaxy S4 or that Techno touch screen? How good will you text then? Did you know there are rules to this sort of thing? I mean, you wouldn’t simply text someone you like and want to see again, would you? You might come off as desperate or clingy. Every texting move you make needs to be carefully planned so you don’t totally embarrass yourself and die.

Anyways, worry not; we got you covered. Just follow us through this 8 point guide to relationship texting etiquette. Just remember not to follow these rules for face-to-face conversation.

1. Everyone loves one-word answers.

Did I just say that? Well, trust me on this. If you get a well-typed and thoughtful paragraph about her bad day or his dinner suggestions, the most impactful response is a nice “K.” Or “COOL.” That one always works. The one-word answer is akin to the smile and nod in face-to-face conversation. It recognizes the person is talking, but allows you the freedom to completely zone out and instead focus on what’s important to you without meandering.

2. Wait hours to respond.

Don’t give her/him a whiff of how desperate you are. When you get a text like “What are you doing today?”, wait an hour to respond so it seems like you’re accomplishing something really important instead of sitting on the couch. Immediately, what will conjure in the sender’s mind are images of you finishing an assignment or having another appointment— you know, something serious.

If she waits an hour to respond to your text, then she’s obviously really important. You should wait two hours to prove you’re more important and busy than she is. Apply this ratio to every text. If simple conversations take days, you’re doing it right.


3. Text a lot so you’re sure they’re okay. (For the girls)

Every couple is different, and the waiting game doesn’t always pay off as planned. If your boo isn’t responding as quickly as you’d like, send him three or four more messages to make sure he’s getting your messages/hasn’t died in a car crash. The longer he doesn’t respond, assume the worst. Then make sure to communicate panic in your responses. Obviously something is wrong. Why wouldn’t he respond to you right away? There’s no possible explanation.

4. Never. Text. First.

Ever! This is imperative. What, do you want to be the one who is always putting the most effort into the relationship? Do you want to always give 100% and only get 50% back? Of course you don’t. You deserve better. You deserve a partner who cares. You deserve the first text every day.

5. Cut out unnecessary characters.

Even though you’ve got at least an hour to craft each response to perfection (if you’re following rule No. 2 correctly), your responses should seem as rushed and hurried as possible! You don’t have time to spell things correctly — you’re busy finishing an assignment; remember?

Remove unnecessary letters and words from your post. The key is to look as illiterate as possible, while still appearing to have some semblance of how words work.

For example, an appropriate response to the question, “What are you doing tonight?” would be: “hdd 2 br w bros.” Notice there are several possible meanings here. Are you headed to the bar with the bros? Did you have two beers with your bros? Are you advertising a two-bedroom apartment with your male roommates? Keep her guessing; it makes you mysterious.

6. Don’t call them. Why would you call them?

This is important: Don’t call someone you’re just casually texting, and don’t ever call someone who first texted you. What are you going to do next, propose marriage? It is way too soon for voice-to-voice communication.

7. Laugh at their jokes.

Just like real life, people like it when you validate their good sense of humor, so give a hearty “BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA” each time he/she says something mildly amusing. Alternate by throwing in a few “lols” or a “lmfaos” just to prove you’re an equal opportunity acronym user.

You know what? Forget we said all this. Respond to all of his jokes and your own with a solid “he he.” It says, “I’m playful and mischievous and not creepy at all.”

8. Punctuation is key. Emoticons work, too.

Punctuation signifies the difference between nice texting and rude texting. You should always, always, always include multiple exclamation points at the end of positive responses. How else can you ensure the recipient knows you really are excited about her choice of restaurant?

If you’re upset with your mate, a period at the end of a short response will assure her you mean business. Add commas, quotation marks and other confusing markings if you seek a more literary vibe. Don’t use semicolons. No one knows how semicolons actually work.

If you fear the punctuation mark is making you seem too eager, replace it with an emoticon. Emoticons are the best and if you don’t use them and instead rely on the power of the written language to attempt to convey emotions like poets have done for thousands of years, then you’re a soulless machine.

And there you have it, you would-be romantics of the world, your fool-proof guide to romantic texting etiquette. Now get out there and make ’em swoon.

 Don’t follow any advice in this post. just stop over thinking texting. Stop over thinking dating. Just stop it. It’s supposed to be fun.

Have something to add to this story? Share it in the comments.